i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
