Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
