The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
