I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
