His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
