Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
