Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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