I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
