theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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