about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Holy shit dude........stairs
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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