I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
