im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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