My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
