Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
