At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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