Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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