You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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