I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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