4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
