No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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