YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
