ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
how does that bad decision feel?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
