Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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