I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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