In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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