It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
