with your own penis?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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