Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
