mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My vagina is very pro this idea
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
