Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The struggles of a small town man whore
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
