i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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