My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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