I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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