im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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