Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
