is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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