Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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