Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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