Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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