Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
