I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
