Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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