I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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