It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
