did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
