She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
