i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
