So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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