dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
