I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
