OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
