Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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