I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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