I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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