in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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