Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
