So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
FUCK WHALES
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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