at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
