Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
