First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
